This weeks Friday Funny

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Thu Jun 05, 2008 3:18 pm

Bill was sitting in his front garden when he noticed a hearse slowly drive by. Following the first hearse was a second hearse, which was followed by a man walking solemnly along, followed by a dog, and then about 200 men walking in single file. Intrigued, Bill went up to the man following the second hearse and asked him who was in the first hearse.

"My wife," the man replied.
"I'm sorry," said Bill "What happened to her?"
"My dog bit her and she died."

Bill then asked the man who was in the second hearse. "My mother-in-law. My dog bit her and she died as well."

Bill thought about this for a while, then finally asked the man "Can I borrow your dog?" to which the man replied "Get in line."
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby mr_grumble » Mon Jun 09, 2008 5:31 pm

Three women: One engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men......
That night, they decide that all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.
After a few days they meet again....
The engaged girlfriend said "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, "You are the woman of my life, I love you....then we made love all night long."
The mistress stated "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word, we just had wild sex all night."
The married one then said "The other night, I sent the kids off to stay at my mothers for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV control and a beer from the fridge and said to me "Hey Batman, what's for dinner ?"
:roll:
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:59 am

An oldie but still a goldie.....


Two men dressed in Pilots' uniforms walk up the aisle of the plane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the dingaling, the door closes, and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're heading straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

Just at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

.......... In the dingaling, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know, Bob - one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Jun 13, 2008 12:56 pm

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says, 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today...' The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.' As she finishes that, the man to her left says, 'I would like to buy you one, too.' The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.' 'Coming right up,' the bartender says ‘but why only two drops of water?’

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Smileandhug » Fri Jun 13, 2008 1:55 pm

Blind golfers
>>>
>>> A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinse Businessman and
>>> an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of
>>> golfers in front of them.
>>> The Aussie fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been
>>> waiting for fifteen minutes!"
>>> The Indian Doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such
>>> poor golf!"
>>> The Chinese Businessman called out "Move it, time is money"
>>> The Catholic Priest said, "Here comes George the greens keeper.
>>> Let's have a word with him."
>>> "Hello, George!", said the Catholic Priest, "What's wrong with that
>>> group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
>>> George the greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind
>>> fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a
>>> fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
>>> The group fell silent for a moment.
>>> The Catholic Priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a
>>> special prayer for them tonight."
>>> The Indian Doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
>>> ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for
>>> them."
>>> The Chinese Businessman replied, "I think I'll donate $50,000 to the
>>> fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls"
>>> The Aussie said, "Why can't they play at night?"
I AM LIKE A HOLE IN THE GROUND WITH WATER IN IT - I AM WELL
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Mon Jun 30, 2008 4:29 pm

I didn't get around to a Friday Funny last week - so here's one for Monday instead.

'ARTHRITIS'...

A drunk man who smelled like whiskey sat down on a bench in a subway station, next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of Jim Beam was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes, and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

Never assume you know where someone has been, what that person has done or what they are thinking!
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Tue Jul 01, 2008 11:50 am

I am with Amanda, I also missed last Friday's funny so mine is Tuesday....


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.


The man at the counter asked the older boy, 'Son, how old are you?'


'Eight,' the boy replied.


The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?'


The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one.'
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Tue Jul 01, 2008 12:14 pm

And here is one for the girls....


Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed: "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river"

Poof! ... He was turned into a woman.

She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.


"If at first you don't succeed, do it the way your wife told you!"
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Jul 04, 2008 8:02 am

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous. They were always getting into trouble and their parents knew all about it. If any mischief occurred in their town, the two boys were probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.

The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8-year-old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, 'Do you know where God is, son?' The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, 'Where is God?'

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, 'Where is God?'

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dived into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, 'What happened?'

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, 'We are in BIG trouble this time...

'GOD is missing, and they think we did it!'
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby cokebottle » Fri Jul 04, 2008 10:02 am

:*** :*** :*** :*** :*** :*** :-bang
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Troyk » Thu Jul 17, 2008 8:15 pm

These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:


The Fasting & Prayer Conference will include meals.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The sermon this morning: "Jesus Walks on the Water."
The sermon tonight: "Searching for Jesus."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a
conflict.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again," giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will
sing: "Break Forth Into Joy."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

------- --------------------------------------------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is
Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.

------------------------------------------------- --------------------

Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies
are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.

-------------------------------------------- --------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use
the back door.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign
slogan last Sunday: "I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours"


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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:50 am

Very entertaining Troy :+
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:36 am

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?" The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so was all mankind made."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many ages ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Fri Jul 18, 2008 9:38 am

With the Pope and the pilgrims here, I'll stick with the religious theme Troy started:

Old Mrs. Watkins awoke one spring morning to find that the river had flooded the entire first floor of her house. Looking out of her window, she saw that the water was still rising.Two men passing by on a rowboat shouted up an invitation to row to safety with them. "No, thank you," Mrs. Watkins replied. "The Lord will provide." The men shrugged and rowed on. By evening, the water level forced Mrs. Watkins to climb on top of the roof for safety. She was spotted by a man in a motorboat, who offered to pick her up. "Don't trouble yourself," she told him. "The Lord will provide." Pretty soon, Mrs. Watkins had to seek refuge atop the chimney. When a Red Cross cutter came by on patrol, she waved it on, shouting, "The Lord will provide." So the boat left, the water rose and the old woman drowned. Dripping wet and thoroughly annoyed, she came through the pearly gates and demanded to speak to God. "What happened?" she cried."For cryin' out loud, lady," God said, "I sent three boats!"
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Ricklanga » Fri Jul 18, 2008 8:07 pm

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.'

The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?'

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.'

The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?'

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.'

The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?'

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:

'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.'

But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten
the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'

'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. :***
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