Ozzycamperboy's ozzy jokes (some new ones page 3)

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Ozzycamperboy's ozzy jokes (some new ones page 3)

Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:42 am

Three blokes were working on a high rise building project, Macca, Chook and Simmo. Chook falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Simmo says,"Someone should go and tell his wife." Macca says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Macca comes back carrying a slab of VB. Simmo says,"Where did you get that, Macca?"
"Chook's missus gave it to me." "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she
gave you beer?" Macca says, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Chook`s widow."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow."
And I said, "Wanna bet me a slab"
Last edited by Ozzycamperboy on Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:13 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:47 am

An Aussie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Sydney when this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Aussie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor.The big, burly Yank says,"That's a karate chop from Korea." Well, the Aussie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.
The burly Yank then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Aussie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor."That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.
The Aussie decides he's had enough and leaves.A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly Yank varmints sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, nocking
him out.
The Aussie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up mate, tell him that was a crowbar from Bunnings."
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:01 am

BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:06 am

A Moe girl goes to Centrelink to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the assessor. "10" replies the Moe girl "10?" says the council worker. "What are their names?" "Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne,Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and Wayne" "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the Moe girl. "Its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY or WAAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..." "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker. "That's easy," says the Moe girl... "I just use their surnames"
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Postby amanda » Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:14 am

I particularly like the Bunnings joke - well done! :+
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Postby Kramer » Thu Aug 10, 2006 9:39 am

Wanna bet me a slab :armsup :***
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Postby Scolers » Thu Aug 10, 2006 10:36 am

I see you're trying to be a blatant padder too ... :booty

:grin:

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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:46 pm

Scolers wrote:I see you're trying to be a blatant padder too ... :booty

:grin:

Scol.

:***



Now get out of my thread :$ :P
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Postby Scolers » Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:50 pm

ozzycamperboy wrote:

Now get out of my thread :$ :P


I have a pass!!!

:booty

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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 12:52 pm

A hot shot lawyer from Sydney went duck hunting in rural QLD. He shot a bird, but it fell into a cane farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell into this field, and I'm going to retrieve it." The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in Australia and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things in QLD. We settle small disagreements like this with the Queensland Three-Kick Rule." The lawyer asked, "What is the Queensland Three-Kick Rule?" The farmer replied, "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up."

The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old codger so he agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick hit the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old coot! Now, it's my turn!" The old farmer grinned and said, "Naw, I give up. You can have the duck!"
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:13 pm

An 86-year-old bloke walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

"There's something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's room and say things like that." "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The bloke replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The bloke walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?" "There's something wrong with my ear," he stated. The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?". The man replied "I can't pee out of it..."
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:16 pm

Walking into the bar, scolers said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with my Mrs." "Oh yeah?" said Ben "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Scol replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken @$#%!".


:booty :mrgreen:
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:25 pm

A Texan walks into a pub in Gladstone and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Queenslanders are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of XXXX back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. Kramer even leaves.

Thirty minutes later Kramer shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?" asks Kramer . The Texan says "Yup" and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of XXXX. Immediately Kramer tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives Kramer the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?" Kramer replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 10, 2006 1:29 pm

Dear Mum & Dad, I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all you gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!!

Blokes haz gotta shave though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing! At brekky ya get cereal,fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all thecity boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!! This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting awards for shooting - dunno why.

The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and its not firing back at yer like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka [State Rural Exhibition Show] last year! All yer gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - its a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges - they comes in little boxes and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes yer gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster. Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer. I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter, Jill.
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Postby Scolers » Thu Aug 10, 2006 2:58 pm

ozzycamperboy wrote:Walking into the bar, scolers said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with my Mrs." "Oh yeah?" said Ben "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Scol replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken @$#%!".


:booty :mrgreen:


The sad thing is ... it's ture ... :-bang

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