Ozzycamperboy's ozzy jokes (some new ones page 3)

A place to talk about anything well just about anything (this is a family show remember).

Postby CCC » Mon Apr 16, 2007 2:29 pm

:*** :+ :*** :+ :*** :+ :***

all funny
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Postby CCC » Tue Apr 17, 2007 11:42 am

Thought I'd add one that was sent to me recently

HOW TO ADMINISTER A PILL TO A CAT

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right fore-finger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.
7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1 beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus jab. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss-back another shot. Throw Tee shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12) Ring fire brigade to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.
13) Tie the little b's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and ring local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

How to Give A Dog A Pill:

1) Wrap it in bacon.
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CCC
Grandpa Talks Alot eh?
 
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Tue Apr 17, 2007 10:43 pm

Bwwaaaahahahahaha :armsup :***

Thank goodness I don't have any cats.


An Amish boy and his father were in the new shopping mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that could open and move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is this Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't quite know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an ugly, fat, old lady moved up to the wall and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady strolled in between them into a very small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the door light up.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number and began to light up in reverse order. Finally the walls opened up and a gorgeous 24 year old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."
Life's too short to be grumpy, SMILE :mrgreen:
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:02 pm

Two old blokes from a retirement village were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, "Slim, I'm 73 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age. How do you feel?"

Slim says, "Hell, I feel just like a new-born baby!" "Really?! Like a baby??" "Yup. No hair, no teeth and I think I just crapped my pants!"
Life's too short to be grumpy, SMILE :mrgreen:
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Sep 20, 2007 9:09 pm

AUSSIE BLOKENESS TEST
Answer all Questions and Total your Score

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:

a. Present it to the Prime Minister.
b. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
c. Take it apart.

2. As you grow older, what is it about your lost youth that you miss the most?

a. Innocence.
b. Idealism.
c. Those little fart machines made out of cardboard, metal washers & elastic bands.

3. When is it okay to kiss another male?

a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow minded social conventions.
b. When he is the Pope. (Not on the lips.)
c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.

4. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:

a. A cat.
b. A dog.
c. A dog that eats cats.

5. You have been seeing a woman for several years. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers - when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?

a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
c. That you cannot believe Mick Malthouse burst into tears at the end of the Grand Final.

6. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her. How do you tell her?

a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
c. Tell her what?

7. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:

a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
b. "They're in school already?"
c. "There are three of them?"

8. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?

a. He was being tested.
b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
c. He refused to ask directions.

9. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?

a. Democracy.
b. Religion.
c. Beer.


Give yourself points for each answer as follows:-

a = 1, b = 2, c = 3.

Ratings:-

24 27 points: Maaate!
15 23 points: You need to take a long hard look at yourself, son!
9 14 points: Poofter!
Life's too short to be grumpy, SMILE :mrgreen:
PM me for all your window cleaning, pressure cleaning, and commercial cleaning needs!!
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Sat Dec 22, 2007 12:08 am

What do you get if you cross a Kangaroo with a Sheep?





































Woolie Jumpers


Boom tish :lol: (i'm bored)
Life's too short to be grumpy, SMILE :mrgreen:
PM me for all your window cleaning, pressure cleaning, and commercial cleaning needs!!
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Postby CCC » Sat Dec 22, 2007 7:40 am

:*** :*** :***


It shows...
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Grandpa Talks Alot eh?
 
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