Ozzycamperboy's ozzy jokes (some new ones page 3)

A place to talk about anything well just about anything (this is a family show remember).

Postby Kramer » Thu Aug 10, 2006 4:25 pm

Scolers wrote:
ozzycamperboy wrote:Walking into the bar, scolers said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with my Mrs." "Oh yeah?" said Ben "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Scol replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees." Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken @$#%!".


:booty :mrgreen:


The sad thing is ... it's ture ... :-bang

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:--? :***
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:44 am

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their
wives duties.
The first man had married a woman from Albania, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple of days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
The second man had married a woman from Korea. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married an Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye.
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:46 am

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

“And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one
time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah."

"Michael, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, ma'am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the
whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Aug 24, 2006 12:47 am

Basic rules for Driving in Sydney


-Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Sydney driver never uses them.

-Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or somebody else will fill in thatspace putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

-Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered"going with the flow."

-The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

-Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

-Braking is to be done as hard and as late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

-Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently not enforceable in the metro area during rush hour.

-Please remember that there is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in Sydney.

-Always slow down and rubber-neck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

-Everybody thinks their vehicle is better than yours.

-Learn to swerve abruptly. Sydney is the home of High-Speed Slalom Driving thanks to the RTA, which puts potholes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

-It is traditional in Sydney to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes.

-Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.

-Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding.

-Remember that the goal of every Sydney driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

-Real Sydney women drivers can put on pantyhose and apply eye makeup at 75 k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

-Real Sydney men drivers can remove pantyhose and a bra at 75k/ph in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

-Heavy fog and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are God's way ensuring a natural selection process for body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle sales.

-There is a common held belief in Sydney that highspeed tailgating in heavy traffic reduces petrol consumption as you get sucked along in the slipstream of the car in front.

-It's OK to cut off fully loaded semi-trailers, road trains and buses because they have brakes.

-It is an essential duty of the driver to preserve the life of their passengers. Hence no matter how much of an inconvenience it may be, always find a detour around Mt Druit, Redfern, Lakemba, Punchbowl, Cabramatta and Kings Cross.

-Always anticipate oncoming traffic while driving down a one way street.
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Sat Aug 26, 2006 2:12 pm

Why dod the Chicken cross the road?

JEFF KENNETT: If the chicken did cross the road it should have been fitted with an etag and should pay the same toll as all other road users.

STEVE BRACKS: Regional chickens should have the same opportunities to cross roads as chickens living in Melbourne.

JOHN HOWARD: The chick never crossed the road. And it was not forcibly removed from its mother! Anyway, that's a matter for the states and is of no interest to us. The united nations should butt out.

KIM BEASLEY: There WAS a chicken and it DID cross the road. This is a deliberate act by the government to hide the fact that chickens continue to cross Australian roads.

EVELYN SCOTT: To demonstrate a commitment to reconciliation with Indigenous chickens.

PETER COSTELLO: Accordingly to documentation submitted to the Live Foods Processing Authority, the chicken in question was uncooked at the Time of its journey and therefore will not incur a GST charge. However, if that chicken actually crossed the road for profit, regardless of its raw/cooked status, the road crossing would be considered by the ATO to be a service for which GST will be imposed.

PAULINE HANSON: Please explain.

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what you're telling me?

MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

GRANDPA SIMPSON: Back in my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed and that was good enough for us.

CAPTAIN JAMES T KIRK: to boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

FOX MULDER: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes.
How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it's true?

Fat Tony: What if I could guarantee that it won't get to the other side?

FREUD: the fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

THE C.I.A: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car.

EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken.
What do you mean by chicken? Could you define the word 'chicken'
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Postby Barby-Q » Sun Aug 27, 2006 6:38 am

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here

and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how

to get
started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She
lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the
table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then
turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not
going
to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a
rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's
have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, "Let's
put
all these Corn Flakes back in the box." :***
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Postby amanda » Mon Aug 28, 2006 8:50 am

I can relate to the Sydney driver joke. Just got back from Sydney last night. Every time I got into a taxi or bus was like some form of Chinese torture, but Saturday night's driver really took the cake. Coming home from Tesltra Stadium on Saturday night, after waiting 90 minutes for a taxi, we hopped into the taxi, told him where we wanted to go which took several minutes as he hardly spoke English, to which he told us he didn't know where it was (I'm from the Gold Coast, but even I could have somehow figured out Liverpool Road Strathfield), then at a screaming pace he jolted us away fom the taxi rank, raced into a roundabout without giving way, mounted the footpath and then finally arrived back on the road. With white knuckles and our hearts pounding, he outdid all that by running a red light and smashing us into a 4WD! In very broken English he offered to call for another taxi to get us home. Despite being about 3 k's from our hotel we decided to walk - at least we had a chance of arriving there in one piece! We spent the rest of the weekend travelling by train.
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Mon Aug 28, 2006 11:18 pm

^
|
|
|
:***

A woman goes into Rebel Sports to buy a rod and reel for her grandson.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

A Rebel check-out shop assistant is standing there wearing dark glasses.

She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?

He says, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind, but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes."

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, "That's a eight-foot surf caster Shakespeare graphite 667 Model rod fitted with a Shimano Calcutta 400 reel spooled with 20lb Berkley Fire line. It's a good all around combination and it's on sale this week for only
$199."

She says, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor. She bends down to pick it up and accidentally breaks wind. At first she is really embarrassed, but then realises it's not likely that the blind shop assistant could tell it was she who farted.

He may not know that she was the only person around. The man rings up the sale and says, "That'll be $254.50 please."

The woman is totally confused by this and asks, "Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $199? How did you get $254.50?"

He replies, "Yes, Ma'am, the rod and reel is $199, but the duck caller is $36 and the fishing bait is $19.50
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Thu Sep 07, 2006 9:35 pm

Bloke Etiquette

Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".

Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

Bitching about the brand of free beer in a Mate's fridge is forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man (in fact, even remembering your Mate's birthday is strictly optional).

When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a supermodel...and it's free.

Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem --- you didn't see nothin'.

Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much beer as the other sports watchers.

You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the death of a girlfriend's cat, even if it was you who secretly set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:24 am

There's this old fella that just moved into new nursing home, sitting in his wheel chair, he starts to lean over to one side and a nurse quickly gets there and props him upright with a pillow.

A few minutes later, he starts slowly leaning over to the other side, but quickly again, the nurse gets there and props him up with with a pillow on that side.

About 15-20 minutes pass, and he starts to fall forwards this time, again, a nurse quickly uprights him.

The next day his family are visiting and ask him what he thinks of the new home, to which he says

" They're all nice, and treat me well and the foods great, but the mongrels won't let me fart " :lol:
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:49 am

A rich white man decided that he wanted to throw a party
and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.
He also invited Leroy, the only aboriginal in the neighbourhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 15ft man-eating Crocodile in my
pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the guts to jump in."
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!

Leroy was fighting the croc, and kicking its arses!!Leroy was jabbing the
croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff
like head butts and chokeholds biting the croc on the tail and flipping
the croc through the air like some kind of Kung Fu master.

The water was churning and plashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the croc were screaming and raising hell.

Finally Leroy strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish.
Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool.

Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief. Finally the host says,
"Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars. "
"No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.
The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?"
"No thanks. I don't want it," answered Leroy.
The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"
Again Leroy said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"

Leroy said, "I want the name of the ^*!@%ard who pushed me into the pool !!" :***
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Mon Apr 16, 2007 1:53 am

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No drama, boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom
Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening?? Great to see you! Come in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name
anyone else," Dave says. "President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.
Yup," Dave says "Old buddies, lets fly out to Washington."
And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him
and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my
way to a meeting with the UN, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee and catch up."
Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally
convinced . After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "My folks are
from Germany, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.
Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square
when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's
eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so
let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the
Pope."And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack, and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side Dave asks him, "What happened?"
His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the
Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who the Hell's that on the balcony with Dave?"
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Postby Ozzycamperboy » Mon Apr 16, 2007 2:05 am

Kramer and Mrs Kramer were sitting in the living room discussing their life options in the event of one of them becoming mentally incapacitate, and Kramer says to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and on fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.
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Postby Kramer » Mon Apr 16, 2007 9:12 am

:*** :*** Good one Ozzy and yes she has threatened to do that to me before :(
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Postby Scolers » Mon Apr 16, 2007 11:46 am

Ozzycamperboy wrote:His wife got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all his beer.


THAT is NOT a JOKE!

;)

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