This weeks Friday Funny

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Fri Jul 25, 2008 9:14 am

Two little old ladies were siting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The thin one leaned over and said "Life is boring, we never have any fun any more. For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $10 note.

The first little old lady slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes, and completely naked, streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling. The smiling and naked old lady came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize as the Best Dried Arrangement!"
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Ricklanga » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:33 pm

Heard this on the radio the other day:

An aboriginal elder up north was worried about the coming winter so decided to ring the weather beauro and ask their advice.

The man at the beauro told him he thought it would be a mild winter this year.

Satisfied with this, the elder advised his tribe to gather a little firewood.

A week later he thought he should ring the beauro to double check. The man at the beauro said that he thought it could be rather cool this winter.

Upon hearing this, the elder told his tribe to gather even more firewood.

Another week goes by and the elder rang the beauro again just to be sure. The man at the beauro said that they expected it to be a very cold winter this year.

Upon hearing this, the elder instructed his tribe to gather as much firewood as possible and to even cut down some trees as it was going to get very cold.

Another week goes by and the elder was still worried so decided to ring the beauro agan. This time the man at the beauro told him that they expected it to be one of the the coldest winters on record. The elder was curious and asked the man how they knew it was going to be so cold. The beauro man replied "well sir, the northern aborigines are gathering firewood like it is going out of fashion and that is always a sure sign".
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Mon Jul 28, 2008 8:59 am

Very good! :+
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Ricklanga » Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:29 pm

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.


The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car.


That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.


The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,


We can't tell you. You're not a monk.


The man says, All right, all right. I'm dying to know.


If the only way I can find out what that sound was, is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?


The monks reply, you must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.


The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, I have traveled the earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.


The monks reply, Congratulations, you are correct and now you are a monk.


We shall now show you the way to the sound.


The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.


The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, May I have the key?


The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.


Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man requests the key to the stone door.


The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...


...silver, topaz, and amethyst.


Finally, the monks say, This is the key to the last door.


The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight.


... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.


DON'T SWEAR AT ME; I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE IDIOT WHO SENT THIS TO ME! :--?
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Mon Aug 11, 2008 4:24 pm

I didn't get around to adding one on Friday, so here's one for your Monday instead!

A little old grandmother telephoned St Joseph's hospital. Timidly she asked "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"

The operator said "I'll be glad to help dear - what's the pateints name and room number?"

The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said "Norma Findlay. Room 302."

The operator replied "Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse."

After a couple of minutes the operator returned to the phone and said "Good news - Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine, her blood tests have come back as normal, and her physician has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday."

The Grandmother said "Thank you, that is wonderful news, I've been so worried. God bless you for the good news."

The operator replied "You are more than welcome. Is Norma a close friend?"

"No" replied the Grandmother "I'm Norma Findlay from room 302, and no-one tells me c-r-a-p around here!"
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Fri Aug 22, 2008 4:55 pm

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It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Thu Sep 18, 2008 9:00 am

I realise it's only Thursday, but I haven't posted any "funnies" in a while:

Signs and Slogans:

On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."

Sign over a gynecologist's office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."

On a Plumbers truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

At a towing company:
"We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."

On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry? Come on in and get fed up."

In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

At a radiator shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak"
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:04 am

A Mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known
cardiologist in his shop.
The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the Garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine.
I open its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.
So how come I make $49,000 a year, and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?' The cardiologist smiled, and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic...

'Try doing it with the engine running!'
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Poodle Jewel » Fri Sep 19, 2008 9:41 am

An elderly couple sitting on their porch.The man " remember dear the first time we made love down by the river ?" Wife says "yes darling that was the best night of my life"
Husband.." well then how about for old times sake we go down to the river and do it again.
So off they go arm in arm hobbling along with their walking sticks;
a night watchman sees them and thinks....gee i better keep my eye on these poor old dears and make sure they are ok. To the watchmans surprise they elderly couple start taking off their clothes,not wanting to embarrass them he discreetly watches them from a distance.The watchman was shocked to see at their age they had wild sex,moaning and groaning,waving their arms and legs about.Exausted the couple fall to the ground and the watchman sees them walk home safely though still shocked at what he had seen.
That Friday night the watchman sees the old man in the pub,he just had to know his secret,so he quietly told the man he had seen them and asked " how do you have such wild sex at your age?" the old man replied " Thank God somene turned that electric fence off or we would have been dead".
The Lord is my shepard,i shall not want......only sometimes.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby AussieSunset » Fri Sep 19, 2008 3:56 pm

All of these are so good to put on my toilet wall............beats reading magazines lol

Here's one.

1 .. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't .

2 .. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder .

8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe .

9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

15.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

18.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

20.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken .

21 .. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

22 .. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

23.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.
Life is what happens when you've made other plans. :)
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby AussieSunset » Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:15 pm

and another :grin:

ODD SIGNS......

Spotted in a toilet of a London office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN
THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING
IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE
DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a secondhand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT
BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN.

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY
CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR


Notice in a field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE
BULL CHARGES

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL
DOESN'T WORK)
Life is what happens when you've made other plans. :)
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:37 pm

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob, so they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby AussieSunset » Fri Sep 19, 2008 4:51 pm

:+ :*** good one Gypsylady
Life is what happens when you've made other plans. :)
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny - Tool facts

Postby cokebottle » Fri Sep 26, 2008 12:26 pm

Tool Factoids


DRILL PRESS:
A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly-stained heirloom piece you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL:
Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned guitar calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "YEOWW..."

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKIL SAW:
A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS:
Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters. Next to the screw driver (table knife), the most often tool used by all women.

BELT SANDER:
An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW:
One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS:
Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES:
Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 inch socket you've been searching for the last 45 minutes.

TABLE SAW:
A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4:
Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

TWEEZERS:
A tool for removing wood splinters and wire wheel wires.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR:
A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

RADIAL ARM SAW:
A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to scare neophytes into choosing another line of work.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST:
A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER:
A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT:
The home mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside,its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads. Women excel at using this tool.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER:
A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.


AIR COMPRESSOR:
A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts which were last over tightened 30 years ago by someone at Dodge, and instantly rounds off their heads. Also used to quickly snap off lug nuts.

PRY BAR:
A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER:
A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER:
Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Women primarily use it to make gaping holes in walls when hanging pictures.

UTILITY KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well to cut completely through the cardboard box and into contents such as leather seats, vinyl flooring, liquids in plastic bottles, magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while being worn.

And last but not least!!!

DAMNIT TOOL:
Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DAMNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often,the next tool that you will need.

:*** :*** :cheers :beer :*** :***

Michael
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Oct 03, 2008 10:28 pm

Losing all your friends
1. Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you continue to behave like this, you're going to lose ALL your friends!'


2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'....
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER.'


3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everyday'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mum fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away!'


5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, 'What is the difference between confident and confidential? '
Dad says, 'You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there, is also my son, that's confidential! '


6. Anger management?
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.'
Husband: 'How does that help?'
Wife: 'I use your toothbrush!'
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