This weeks Friday Funny

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Tue Oct 14, 2008 8:58 am

Two patients limp into two different medical clinics with the same complaint. Both have trouble walking and appear to need hip replacement surgery. The FIRST patient is examined within the hour, is x-rayed the same day and has a time booked for surgery the following week.

The SECOND sees his family doctor after waiting 3 weeks for an appointment, then waits 8 weeks to see a specialist, then gets an x-ray, which isn't reviewed for another week and finally has his surgery scheduled for almost a year from then.

Why the different treatment for the two patients?

The FIRST patient is a Golden Retriever.
The SECOND patient is a Senior Citizen.
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Poodle Jewel » Thu Oct 30, 2008 4:57 pm

A woman goes to her doctor for her regular pap smear,the doctor yes," Mrs Smith that is the biggest fanny i`ve ever seen!!"
The lady embarrassed goes home and can`t resist having a look...she places a mirror on the floor then takes her clothes off,straddles the mirror moving side to side and backwards and forwards...her husband walks in and says " good lord woman what are you doing?? again embarressed she says " I`m am practicing nude dancing for you darling" Her husbands replies "well for god sakes be careful there`s a big hole in the floor.
The Lord is my shepard,i shall not want......only sometimes.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Tue Nov 11, 2008 4:01 pm

It had to happen sooner or later - here's the first of the Christmas jokes for this year.....

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It represents a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The man replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins......
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Sun Dec 07, 2008 3:29 pm

This is Friday's joke on Sunday ...

Oops

The parish was in a poor area of the country where income was low; the plumbing rattled, the roof leaked, and the air conditioning didn't work.
People simply wouldn't come because of the heat. And being so poor the church didn't have the money to pay to have repairs made.
He decided before he resigned that he would take a quick trip to gather his courage for telling these folks goodbye.
He went to the city and had just enough money to attend a cheap magician show.
In the show the man was hypnotizing folks - making them act like chickens and monkeys. He was impressed. He met with the magician and ask him if he could teach him how to do this hypnotism thing.
The man gave him a quick course and he couldn't wait to get back to his church.
His first Sunday back, he told his audience that he wanted to tell them about his trip. Took out a watch and chain, and, as he swung it back and forth, he talked softly as they went into a hypnotic trance.
He then stated: "I want everybody to walk down the aisle and put $20.00 in the plate. They did. He had the church's roof fixed that week.
This worked so well that the next Sunday he decided to do it again. Taking his watch out he says I want to tell you some more things about my trip. This time he proclaimed, "I want everybody to come down the aisle and drop a $100 in the offering plate." They did. He got the air conditioning fixed and the car park redone.
His third Sunday, he got to thinking. I haven't been paid in a long time. I deserve a little money. Pulling his watch out he starts the swinging again, and as he is softly speaking he starts thinking. I deserve a lot more than a little bit of money. I deserve enough to go overseas and have a weekender on the beach. I deserve a lot more. He got so excited about what he was imagining he would receive that his hands start sweating and as the watch slipped from his grip, he yelled: "S......"
It took him two weeks to clean up the church.

----------

Elaine
Last edited by CampGrrlz on Fri Dec 26, 2008 12:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Mon Dec 08, 2008 2:07 pm

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.

Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM .

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.

He put on his shoes and drove home.

'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.

'I can't lie to you,' he replied, 'I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.'

She looked down at his shoes and said:

'You wrotten liar! You've been playing golf!'
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Mon Dec 08, 2008 3:47 pm

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece. He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy . He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

God Bless Australian Women
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Wed Dec 10, 2008 4:55 pm

A man walks out to the street in New York City and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: 'Who?'

Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'

Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'

Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'

Cabbie: 'There's more.. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'

Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'

Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'


Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'



Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met Frank, he died and I married his widow.'
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Thu Dec 11, 2008 8:59 am

1981 & 2005 - two interesting years

Interesting Year 1981:

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament.
4. Pope Died

Interesting Year 2005:

1. Prince Charles got married
2. Liverpool crowned soccer Champions of Europe
3. Australia lost the Ashes tournament
4. Pope Died

Lesson Learned

The next time Charles gets married...someone warn the Pope !!!
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Thu Dec 11, 2008 10:26 pm

Friday funny also arrives on Thursday ::()

Reflections on what might have been ...

Twas a week after Christmas and all through the house, not one ‘puter was working, not even the mouse.

I turned on the power but nothing was working.
I grab the computer and start banging and jerking.

I laid out three grand for this big piece of ... junk.
Now on January 1st the darned thing's gone 'kerplunk'

I turned on the TV; the cable is down.
My microwave oven is making a weird sound.

My new VCR is as dead as a rock.
Not one light is blinking not even the clock.

It's forty degrees, the peak of summer.
The aircon won't work, it’s really a bummer.

I laughed for a second and thought it all funny.
Then I called up my bank in regards to my money.

"We managed your pension and savings with care, but for some strange reason your money's not there.

We'd thought we were ready, we'd thought we were heroes.
But regret to inform you your balance is zero!"

I drop the receiver. To the bathroom I rush.
I push down the button, the toilet won't flush.

I turned on the tap. Not one drop hits the sink.
I head out the door to the pub for a drink.

I jump in the car, turn the key over to run.
It only goes 'click'. I scream, "son of a gun!"

A computerized ignition has just sealed my fate.
It's not set up to handle the 2000 date.

I twitch like a madman; this cannot be true.
No car, heat, or money: what on earth can I do?

So shouting obscenities I run out of sight.
Happy y2k to all; it's been one heck of a night!

--------

And as we know, very little happened of any note but it gave me the best opportunity I've had for quite a while to buy, buy, buy ... I hoarded a whole room full of 'stuff' which took me around 6 months to clear. But what a ball! :armsup

--------

Elaine and Elaine
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby cokebottle » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:15 am

This is fantastic news!

Click HERE

I just can't believe it! can you? :lol:

Michael
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby amanda » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:19 am

Very clever Michael!
It's all fun and games until someone gets hurt - then it's bloody hilarious!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:33 am

WOWthat is pretty darn impressive Cokebottle Michael.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby cokebottle » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:48 am

gypsylady wrote:WOWthat is pretty darn impressive Cokebottle Michael.


I wish it was the case, this was sent to me via a workmate, you can put anyones name in there, we needed something to cheer us all up! our work just announced that they are going into voluntary administration after one of our Managing Directors syphoned over $2.5million over a 3 month period, then informed the finance company that the company was no longer viable & was handing over the reigns.....

We are now under the control of a receiver pending sale of the company
::() ::()

It is not all doom & gloom yet, if it does get liquidated (worse case) then the government will bail out us employees with wages/holiday pay/long service, just as well, because i have been with the company 19 years ;)

Michael
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:57 am

cokebottle wrote:
It is not all doom & gloom yet, if it does get liquidated (worse case) then the government will bail out us employees with wages/holiday pay/long service, just as well, because i have been with the company 19 years ;)

Michael


I am so very sorry to hear that Michael and yes whilst you may get the money owed to you from the govt it can take up to 14 weeks or more before you receive it.

Terrible news at any time but more so at xmas time....my heart goes out to you and your family and I will definitley be thinking many positive thoughts for you. I may even resort to crossing my fingers Michael:-))
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby cokebottle » Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:11 am

gypsylady wrote:
cokebottle wrote:I am so very sorry to hear that Michael and yes whilst you may get the money owed to you from the govt it can take up to 14 weeks or more before you receive it.

Terrible news at any time but more so at xmas time....my heart goes out to you and your family and I will definitley be thinking many positive thoughts for you. I may even resort to crossing my fingers Michael:-))[/color]


We are still trading, but.......... we can't buy parts from the manufacturers, we can't register new cars, just found out we ran out of bulk engine oil, so we can't even service vehicles in our workshop ::()

Michael
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