This weeks Friday Funny

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Dec 12, 2008 9:29 am

A friend of mine who used to work in a bank recently told me that it is either greed or poor management that is responsible for companies going bust...

And that is very much the case as you have presented it...again Michael my heart feels for you.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby GypsyLady » Sat Dec 13, 2008 7:17 am

A day late...but worth the wait.

Aussie Poem

The sun was hot already - it was only 8 o'clock,
The dingaling took off in his Ute, to go and check his stock.
He drove around the paddocks checking wethers, ewes and lambs,

The float valves in the water troughs, the windmills on the dams.

He stopped and turned a windmill on to fill a water tank,

And saw a ewe down in the dam, a few yards from the bank.
'Typical bloody sheep,' he thought, 'they've got no common sense,

'They won't go through a gateway but they'll jump a bloody fence.'

The ewe was stuck down in the mud, he knew without a doubt,

She'd stay there 'til she carked it if he didn't get her out.
But when he reached the water's edge, the startled ewe broke free,

And in her haste to get away, began a swimming spree.

He reckoned once her fleece was wet, the weight would drag her down,

If he didn't rescue her, the stupid sod would drown.
Her style was unimpressive, her survival chances slim,

He saw no other option, he would have to take a swim.

He peeled his shirt and singlet off, his trousers, boots and socks,

And as he couldn't stand wet clothes, he also shed his jocks.
He jumped into the water and away that dingaling swam,

He caught up with her, somewhere near the middle of the dam

The ewe was quite evasive, she kept giving him the slip,

He tried to grab her sodden fleece but couldn't get a grip.
At last he got her to the bank and stopped to catch his breath,

She showed him little gratitude for saving her from death.

She took off like a Bondi tram around the other side,

He swore next time he caught that ewe he'd hang her bloody hide.
Then round and round the dam they ran, although he felt quite puffed,

He still thought he could run her down, she must be nearly stuffed.

The local stock rep came along, to pay a call that day.
He knew this bloke was on his own, his wife had gone away,

He didn't really think he'd get fresh scones for morning tea,

But nor was he prepared for what he was about to see.

He rubbed his eyes in disbelief at what came into view,

For running down the catchment came this frantic-looking ewe.
And on her heels in hot pursuit and wearing not a stitch,

The farmer yelling wildly 'Come back here, you lousy bitch!'

The stock rep didn't hang around, he took off in his car,

The dingaling's reputation has been damaged near and far
So bear in mind the Work Safe rule when next you check your flocks,

Spot the hazard, assess the risk, and always wear your jocks!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Ricklanga » Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:57 am

:*** Classic :+
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby Ricklanga » Fri Dec 19, 2008 3:22 pm

This is neat!
Try not to spend all day at this...
Click here: http://www.bassfiles.net/parachute.swf
It always rains on tents. Rainstorms will travel thousands of miles, against prevailing winds for the opportunity to rain on a tent.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Fri Dec 19, 2008 10:59 pm

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

If man evolved from apes why do we still have apes?

Santa is very jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was. She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

And whose cruel idea was it to put an "S" in the word "Lisp"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Would a wingless fly be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they worried someone will clean them?

If a mime is arrested do they tell him he has the right to talk?

What was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread?

When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby AussieSunset » Sat Dec 20, 2008 10:58 am

CampGrrlz wrote:Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.




Does this mean i don't have to hug my son in law for xmas :*** :*** :***
Life is what happens when you've made other plans. :)
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Fri Dec 26, 2008 12:13 pm

Confucius he say ... or probably didn’t say ;-)

For more details on the real Confucius try these sites: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Confucius
http://www.confucius.org/main01.htm
http://www.quotationspage.com/quotes/Confucius/

Now for the fun ones…

Man who run in front of car, get tired.

Man who run behind car, get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick, go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes, get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.


Elaine and Elaine who wonder what Confucius had to say of relevance to women ... and not being a true fan of political correctness, prefer not to replace 'man' with 'person'.
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Fri Dec 26, 2008 12:19 pm

Although talking about political correctness, brings to mind these slightly-belated seasons greetings ...

Politically-correct wishes ...

This Holiday Season I Wish You A Merry Christmas*

* Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of the summer solstice holiday, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, or secular practices of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, or their choice not to practice religious or secular traditions at all.
* May you have a fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the onset of the generally accepted calendar year 2009, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of other cultures whose contributions to society have helped make Australia great (not to imply that Australia is necessarily greater than any other country) and without regard to the race, creed, colour, age, physical ability, religious faith, choice of computer platform, or sexual orientation of the wishee. (NOTE These wishes in no way guarantees any of the above attributes in any way, shape, or form.)

By accepting this greeting, you are accepting these terms. This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It is freely transferable with no alteration to the original greeting. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for her/himself or others, and is void where prohibited by law, and is revocable at the sole discretion of the wisher and the aforementioned wishes have no cash value.

This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish at the sole discretion of the wisher.


E n E
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Fri Jan 02, 2009 10:18 am

The 12 daze of Christmas (for the politically correct)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midsummer festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Australians,
SEVEN endangered black swans swimming on Crown Land wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Australians producing stolen non-human animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and Partridges have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-Australian enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs
THREE deconstructionist poets
TWO Wilderness Society calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Barking Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

After all that, have a great one!
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby AussieSunset » Thu Jan 08, 2009 10:03 am

I know it's not friday but thought i'd share this anyway.

Hope this makes you smile...

EVER WONDER where we are headed...

Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara
with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline:
'Psychic Wins Lottery'?

Why 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

Why Doctors call what they do 'practice'?

Why you have to click on 'Start'
to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavour, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a 'Broker'?

Why there isn't mouse flavoured cat food?

Who tastes dog food when it has a
'new & improved' flavour?

Why Noah didn't swat those two mosquitoes?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used f or the indestructible black box?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when
they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro,
is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport 'the terminal'
if flying is so safe?

AND...

In case you need further proof that the human race is doomed because of stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Myer hairdryer:
'Do not use while sleeping'.
(Darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair).

On a bag of Chips:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Palmolive soap:
'Directions: Use like regular soap'.
(And that would be how???)

On some frozen dinners:
'Serving suggestion: Defrost'.
(But, it's just a suggestion).

On Nanna's Tiramisu dessert
(printed on bottom):
'Do not turn upside down'.
(Well...duh, a bit late, huh)!

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
'Product will be hot after heating'.
(And you thought????...)

On packaging for a K-Mart iron:
'Do not iron clothes on body'.
(But wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
'Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication'.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year olds with head colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
'Warning: May cause drowsiness'.
(And...I'm taking this because???)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
'For indoor or outdoor use only'.
(As opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
'Not to be used for the other use'.
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Nobby's peanuts:
'Warning: contains nuts'.
(Talk about a news flash!)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
'Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts'.
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

I don't blame the company, I bla me the parents for this one:
On a child's superman costume:
'Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly'.

On a Swedish chainsaw:
'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'.
(Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
Life is what happens when you've made other plans. :)
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Thu Jan 08, 2009 2:11 pm

AussieSunset wrote:'Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals'. (Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

I love it! :*** Is this why Sweden is the world's pornography capital? ;-)

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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Fri Jan 09, 2009 8:33 am

Un-Real news headlines

Some news bloopers gleaned from newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of 'Anguished English'.

On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.

He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

--------

or, as a friend used to say: “committed matrimony”.

--------

E n E
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Re: This weeks Friday Funny

Postby CampGrrlz » Sun Jan 18, 2009 12:43 am

A couple of cartoons for a change ;-)

Image

Image

Regards

Elaine and Elaine
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