The twelve days of Christmas

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

The twelve days of Christmas

Postby markcrook » Wed Dec 16, 2009 4:30 pm

December 14

My dearest darling John:

Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

My love always,

Agnes

========================================================

December 15

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

All my love,

Agnes

=========================================================

December 16

Dear John:

Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

All my love,

Agnes

=========================================================

December 17

Dear John:

Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

Affectionately,

Agnes

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December 18

Dearest John:

What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

All my love,

Agnes

========================================================

December 19

Dear John:

When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

Cordially,

Agnes

========================================================

December 20 John:

What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

Sincerely,

Agnes

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December 21

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

Agnes

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December 22

Hey S***head:

What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours !

Agnes

==========================================================

December 23

You rotten pr***:

Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of s**t. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned. I'm calling the police on you !

Agnes

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December 24

Listen F***head:

What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

Your sworn enemy,

Agnes

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December 25

Dear Sir:

This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

Cordially,

Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
Knock me down I get right back up again,
Come back stronger than a powered-up Pac Man
markcrook
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Re: The twelve days of Christmas

Postby CampGrrlz » Wed Dec 16, 2009 9:30 pm

Fabulous! :grin:

And now something for the politically-correct ;)

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically-imposed midsummer festival, my Significant Other in a consenting, adult, monogamous relationship gave to me:

TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians' Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note),
TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
EIGHT economically-disadvantaged female persons stealing milk products from enslaved Bovine-Australians,
SEVEN endangered black swans swimming on Crown Land wetlands,
SIX enslaved Fowl-Australians producing stolen non-human-animal products,
FIVE golden symbols of culturally-sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and Partridges have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-Australian enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
THREE deconstructionist poets,
TWO Wilderness Society calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses
AND a Barking Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

After all that, who could have a great festive season?
:grin:
Two old boilers are armchair Glampers ;-)
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CampGrrlz
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