Cross Eyed Dog

Heard anything funny today about our pollies (their always good for a laugh). Get in touch with that inner Irishman and let’s hear a joke or two.

Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Wed Aug 04, 2010 6:13 pm

A man takes his Rotweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"Put him down???” the dog owner says, really upset. “Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No,” the vet says, “Because he's really heavy."

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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby HGMonaro » Thu Aug 05, 2010 11:56 am

you need a poll on this... with options laugh or cry!

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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby xmasbaby67 » Thu Aug 05, 2010 1:36 pm

**sigh** Sorry Titch but I vote cry
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Thu Aug 05, 2010 5:47 pm

He He.
Try this then.

A man brought a very limp dog into the veterinary clinic. As he lay the dog on the table, the doctor pulled out his stethoscope, placing the receptor on the dog's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm sorry, but your dog has passed away."

"What?" screamed the man. "How can you tell? You haven't done any testing on him or anything. I want another opinion!"

With that, the vet turned and left the room. In a few moments, he returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Retriever went right to work, checking the poor dead dog out thoroughly with his nose. After a considerable amount of sniffing, the Retriever sadly shook his head and said, "Bark" (meaning "dead as a doornail").

The veterinarian then took the Labrador out and returned in a few moments with a cat, who also carefully sniffed out the poor dog on the table. As had his predecessors, the cat sadly shook his head and said, "Meow" (meaning "he's history"). He then jumped off the table and ran out of the room.

The veterinarian handed the man a bill for $600. The dog's owner went berserk. "$600! Just to tell me my dog is dead? This is outrageous!"

The vet shook his head sadly and explained. "If you had taken my word for it, the charge would have been $50, but you wanted the Lab work and the cat scan.


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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby GypsyLady » Thu Aug 05, 2010 6:41 pm

Oh Titch....that one is as old as the hills!!
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:00 pm

Sheee your a hard Audience lol.

... One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum, chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinking man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, winecoolers, diet tab and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.
Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it!
Demon: All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lung out! If you get cancer - no biggie -you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!
Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever...if you go bankrupt...well your're dead anyhow.
Demon: You gay?
Guy: No...

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're gonna hate Fridays.
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby GypsyLady » Thu Aug 05, 2010 7:25 pm

Another repeat......
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:09 am

A horse walks into a bar, he sits down and the bartender asks him, "Why the long face?" The second horse walks in with jumper cables attached to it's head, he sits down, and the bartender says, "I don't mind the long face, but don't u go and try to start anything!"

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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:17 am

Good one Titch.....I have not seen that one.
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:32 am

hooray.jpeg
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Rosco532 » Fri Aug 06, 2010 9:48 am

Ha Titch,,,,,Even I was starting to feel a little sorry for you......lol

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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Fri Aug 06, 2010 10:20 am

He He He :grin:

image mutley.jpeg



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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby Titch » Fri Aug 06, 2010 11:12 am

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman." She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman coming down the stairs. The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just wanted to know why you can''t ring it for yourself."

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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby GypsyLady » Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:11 pm

NOW.....that is definitely sick sick....not even funny
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Re: Cross Eyed Dog

Postby xmasbaby67 » Fri Aug 06, 2010 1:58 pm

Got this email today and it had me ROTHFLMHO

Next time you have a bad day at work... Think of this bloke.

Rob is a commercial saturation Diver for Global Divers in Western Australia. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs.
Below is an E-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to a radio station in Perth, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest.

Needless to say, she won!
Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother.
Last week I had a bad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realise it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job.
As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do to keep warm is this:
We have a diesel powered industrial 'water heater'. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a hose, which is taped to the side of the suit. I've used it several times with no complaints. What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi.
Everything was going well until, all of a sudden, my butt started to itch.
So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was already done. In agony,I realised what had happened.
The machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped it into my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it.
However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate.
When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt. I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator.
His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all in fits of hysterical laughter. I was then instructed to make three agonising in-water decompression stops totalling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression.
When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.
As I climbed out of the water, the Medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got into the chamber.
Yes the cream put the fire out, but I couldn't Dagnabbit's for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work,think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".
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